Girl Stuff

Waking of Friday, August 25, 2017

Girl Stuff

Nieces are delightful creatures.

Mary just really wanted me to “Play Zelda!”

So eh.... what the hey.

I started up the game, and found that the last time I’d played I seemed to have ended up at Cotera’s spring above Kakariko Village.

Mary wanted me to play whatever the main quest was but ehhhh I didn’t think so. Not under so much threat of buzzkill with all these people in the house.

Instead, I warped back to the volcano to see if I couldn’t find any of those Smotherwing Butterflies I needed to up my Flamebreaker clothes one more level. They were tricky little beasties! Especially when I tried to get a picture of one; it was difficult to keep it centered in the frame while it kept fluttering around. I think I barely snapped a pictograph of the tips of its wings when it finally alighted over the tiny horizon of a rounded rock.

But it did help to have the picture—and thus the ability to search for it—in my Sheikah Slate. I needed something like nine of them, and the girls and I did a lot of walking around Goron City and the surrounding areas. We even found a few Koroks along the way. And a couple of new shrines. And some hidden treasure I think too! A fruitfully circuitous hike.

Once we’d caught as many butterflies as we could stand, we warped back to Cotera, and had her do up my Flamebreaker armor. The giant fairy kiss made the girls laugh. XD They asked questions, and that led to my giving them answers, which led to more questions.... which led to somehow.... they wanted to see the Elephant.

So Zora’s Domain it was.

But how did we get into the menu? One of my weapons must have broken—maybe a bow; you can’t switch via the shortcut to a different bow if you don’t have one equipped.

So in I went to the menu. And Dorothy became quite enamored of just how customizable Link was. She wanted to choose his clothes.

I took off all of Link’s equipment and stripped him down to the skivvies. “Okay, what should he wear?” I said as I hopped the avatar around Vah Ruta’s bare black rock.

“He’s naked!” Dorothy laughed.

Mary and Dorothy were soon taking turns issuing orders for different combinations of clothing. They both quite liked the beautiful set of Zora Armor. Dorothy thought the Champion’s Tunic was a very pretty blue. Both seemed to prefer his open hair to most of his hats, though they thought the Firebreaker Helm was funny. The too-small Old Shirt and Well-Worn Trousers made them laugh too. But Mary and I got the biggest kick out of the regular Hylian Trousers, no shirt, and the Barbarian Helm. I threw in a Dragonbone Boko Club for good measure, and man our hero looked right fit to eat somebody’s face! XD

We rollicked around Zora’s Domain a bit more. They had me scale the giant fish tail above the throne room, and as I had more stamina under my belt this time, it worked! I was even gratified to find a hidden Korok up there. ^_^

But soon the girls had to go, and so.... at the end I warped back to Cotera’s spring where I had been before.... and quit.

The next day, David asked me what all I had done while playing Zelda with the girls.

When I told him we’d spent our time catching butterflies and playing dress up—

“UGHHH,” his eyes bugged, “How does Ben stand it with all girls and no boys?”

I’d never seen him look so disgusted.

GREAT BALLS OF FIRE!

Waking of Saturday, August 12, 2017 ~ 4

GREAT BALLS OF FIRE!

On my way to the North Mine, I encountered a few of a breed of Octorok I’d been seeing lately. They’ll pop out of the earth, look around like they do, the little swear words.... But these kinds wouldn’t start spitting rocks at you the minute they saw you. Instead, they would spend a long moment inhaling, to pummel you with one big hit I imagine. I wouldn’t know, because I’ve never seen it happen. I always drop a bomb into the sucking draft first, and when they swallow it—

Well, you get the idea.

There was one Goron I met at the mine, but it wasn’t Yunobo. His name was Drak. Or, as he said it, “Draaaaaak”. He had a funny kind of drawl. X-)

The mine was blocked off. But Drak directed me to where the supply store was located: on one of those few baddie-infested craggy islets jutting up from that giant lake of lava behind me.

Skull-dens, boomers, and treehouses full of bow-weidling Red Lizalfos no less.

Well.

(Okay so perhaps they weren’t technically tree-houses, but great elaborate platforms anyway. But I’m still calling them treehouses.)

For a while I progressed by my superior archery skills, but after a time.... I did become curious about the great big.... mechanisms placed here and there. Things the Gorons used in their mining, no doubt.

I inspected one of them. It had a great big wide barrel, angled somewhere between thirty and forty-five degrees up from the horizon, on one end, and on the other end.... why that looked just like....

I took out my Sheikah Slate, and called upon Ja Baij.

The round bomb rolled perfectly into the little hole.

I backed up for safety, and detonated—and a hulking chunk of flaming hot rock came BOOMING out of the barrel! It arced over the lava lake and.... exploded pointlessly on the molten surface.

It was still pretty cool, though. I did it a few more times just for fun. X-) It turned out I didn’t need to back up for the bomb-blast; the mechanism seemed to contain it. Nifty!

Still, there had to be more to it.... There was one other part of the mechanism yet. It looked like a handle. But I couldn’t throw it. The A button didn’t work. Bombs didn’t work. In desperation I tried my sword—that worked. Though I hated to shorten the life of my weapons.

At the turn of the switch, the whole mechanism rotated. And wouldn’t you know it, why, I do declare, the barrel looked like it just about lined up perfectly with that there treehouse full of Lizalfos now.

Hmmm.

I rolled in another bomb, and set it off.

You ever blow up—just blow up—a whole treehouse before?

It feels good, man.

Some of the baddie-nests were situated between the set angles of the cannons, and so I had to get creative with my timing. But all in all, I’d say I got the hang of using the cannons pretty well down.

My gosh what pandemonious delight.

Riot! XD

Once I’d cleaned out most of the whole smattering of islets, there was just one more cracked stone barrier to breach, at the top of the final mountaintop. One cannonblast took it out easily enough. And holed up in the back of that cavern.... was Yunobo, I presumed.

“Oh man, oh man, oh man—” he whimpered, fearing the monsters had broken through and were now come to get him....! His voice was young, and light. Especially for a Goron.

But it wasn’t monsters; it was just me.

We exchanged some words, about who I was, and what Boss Bludo had asked me to do. Aside from the light blue neckerchief, Yunobo looked like most other Gorons, though his eyes were not quite so large. He also had a funny little cowlick on his crown that hung over to one side. How old was this . . . dare I say kid?

With the way cleared of monsters, Yunobo took the painkillers and went back to the town.

But I stayed to satisfy my shrine-detector.

It was difficult to get a fix on the signal’s direction, with so little footing beneath me. But I couldn’t see the shrine anywhere anyway; it had to be hidden.

There were some metal rails leading into a cave beneath that rockpile-island that resembled a crab.... and the signal did seem strongest in that general direction....

David was most anxious to watch me figure out the railcars.

Ever see Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom?

Yeah it was kinda like that. O_O

All my flashbacks were of zipping unbalanced over hot lava and sailing over gaps in the rails, Indy grabbing a hank of that curly blonde hair and shoving everyone’s heads down into the cart. I was legitimately frightened that I might flip over if I went too fast! But I made it to the crab island without incident, and there indeed was the shrine. I beat it, went back, wandered around town a bit more.... but did not speak immediately to Bludo again.

Rather—as is so my wont—I decided to take a detour, and go and visit the Great Fairies to spruce up my new Flamebreaker clothes.

Kaysa first—she blew her magic on me. Cotera next, and she bopped me with a kissed finger.

And then I realized: it didn’t seem to matter which fairy magicked up my wardrobe. The first level up would always be done with a blow, the second with a bop, and the third with a giant kiss right to the face.

I guessed any given fairy could just as well do more than one level too, and I didn’t have to travel between them.

But I couldn’t see Mija or any other fairy about upping my Firebreaker armor a third level just then anyway, because I was short a number of something called Smotherwing Butterflies—and that was a critter I’d not yet encountered.

In fact, it seemed there were lots of ingredients I was short of to have my wardrobe enhanced anymore.

Ice Keese wings. Well certainly those were easy, I thought, and warped to the Keh Namut Shrine on the Great Plateau. I went hunting around those peaks and Mount Hylia.... but was only able to harvest one Ice Keese wing in the end.

What other cold places did I know?

Hunting around, hunting around.... as the hour grew later.... hunting around....

Until....

....

I didn’t quite remember where I stopped.

Big Boss Bludo

Waking of Saturday, August 12, 2017 ~ 3

Big Boss Bludo

That was probably the fastest I’d ever bought clothes.

!

My male friends should be proud of me. XD

The Firebreaker Armor was thick, and ruddy, the Greaves looked like robot legs, and the Helm covered my whole head but for a bar-guarded visor in the front for me to see through.

I still really wondered whether I’d just made a big dumb purchase. I was moving so fast—did I want to replay any of this? Savor it more somehow?

But I was here now. And here was where I’d meant to come.

I’d forced my way in.

Hoo.

I decided to take a little walk to catch my breath. I talked here and there, I saw items for sale, food for sale, I met a young Goron selling Fireproof Elixirs in the thoroughfare (he became quite waspish as I regrettably refused him). There were a few other shops I saw as I wandered around, as well as an inn.

This inn didn’t offer regular beds and slightly more expensive soft beds, as I’d seen elsewhere in Hyrule; but rather regular stays and—for a similar extra fee—body massages. Allegedly this would leave you feeling more rejuvenated and energized in the morning, although.... it was hard to keep from imagining, rather, what a pitiful pulp I’d be mashed into beneath those huge Goron fists....

Perhaps what surprised me most inside the inn, however, was the sight of a Gerudo kicking back in a chair by the window.

I spoke with her. Yamella I think was her name.

“Sav’aaq,” she greeted me, “Flirting in the middle of the day are we? Bold.”

WAT.  ._.  “That’s not what I—” Who the heck was this lady? “Aren’t you hot?” I asked her.

But she said she had slathered fireproof elixir over her skin. “There’s a Goron brat outside selling it, if you want any,” she said.

Yeah I’d met him.

Yamella was a jeweler, visiting here for the minerals. But again, Vah Rudania slowed up her business as well.

After a short walk around town, I followed my shrine-detector up to the resident Sheikah Shrine, and beat it. On the walk back, a Goron named Bargoh made me grin when he asked, “What are you doing here, little guy?”

Little guy? It was like something I’d say to a small animal.

Heh, I guess Hylians are kinda tiny compared to Gorons.

Well.... Goron City was reached, the heat was averted, and the natives were restless.

It was time to talk to that elder Goron beneath the blinking yellow dot on my map.

Bludo was his name. He was huge and old, and stooped, and he was the boss of this town.

Heh, “boss”. That’s what they called him. There was something.... charmingly blatant about that title.

Vah Rudania itself allegedly didn’t pose much of a problem to the Gorons—they could handle the Divine Beast.

It was the fact that it kept coming back.

No matter how many times they beat it back with their giant cannons, it always returned to stomp around the volcano’s cone.

But there was another problem. Bludo seemed to have overstrained his back, and it was very painful for him to move, let alone operate the cannons. Even as he spoke to me, there were a couple of times his muscles spasmed and his back emitted a superlow hardcore flesh-coated CRUNCH.

Ouch. >_O;;

He had sent a young Goron named Yunobo to fetch some painkillers from the store of supplies up at the North Mine, but Yunobo hadn’t come back yet.

Three guesses what he asked me to do next.

HOTFOOTING IT

Waking of Saturday, August 12, 2017 ~ 2

HOTFOOTING IT

Perhaps it was that I had so recently finally consumed one of the Spicy Omelets in my inventory. Perhaps it was that I now had plenty of Fireproof Lizards in my pockets. Perhaps I just couldn’t take being called That guy who backed out of the endurance challenge.

Or maybe my shame had finally caught up with me for being such a dawdler.

I warped to the shrine in the desert near Digdogg Suspension Bridge, and hiked from there up into the mountain until I found Bayge, Heehl, Kabetta, and their giant molten hotplate of death.

I hopped up onto it, my clothes started to smoke, and Bayge’s cinematic wound up in an overdone countdown that had me juddering to hit the pause button and find that elixir!

Freedom of movement came soon enough. (Link’s overheated expression in the pause menu looked quite duressed!) I found the elixir, downed it, and returned to the game to find myself.... standing rather sedately on the glowing hot skillet, smoke no longer issuing from my person. That was nice.

I wondered if they’d give me fireproof clothing for beating this! I’d forgotten that it was actually a Shrine Challenge, and so was only slightly disappointed when Bayge called time and the thing rumbled up out of the earth.

The Gorons were all wowed and impressed anyway.

I beat the shrine, collected the Spirit Orb, and decided.... it had been long enough.

With a few more freshly-cooked Fireproof Elixirs in my pockets, I warped to the Eldin Tower.

Setting my face toward what appeared on my map to be the quickest road to Goron City, and what appeared before my face to be a random tangle of ash-slides and twisted rock, I stepped to the edge of the tower, and took a flying leap.

Fwoom! went the thermometer as smoke began billowing from my clothes again. And into the pause menu I went, downed another elixir, returned to the game.... and was safe in my silent glide into the inferno.

The time limit for the elixir’s effect ticked soundlessly away, gleaming unobtrusively in the upper left corner with all the innocence of the impending vacuum of space. The upper volcano was eerie. The glow of the lava so close and ash and lit cinders in the air.

But my boots soon hit the rock, and I was on a mission. I didn’t stop for Lizalfos. I didn’t stop for ore. I didn’t stop for critters.

I had to get to Goron City.

I tried to stay high and cut the corners of the path in my HUD map, capitalizing on the chance to cover distance by paraglider. And when my flight speed and altitude were spent, and I flushed down into the low road, I sprinted. I could only keep on hoofing it up the track.

And then of a sudden I burst through the midst of a gang of Gorons hard at work—the South Mine this place was called. I stopped to talk to a rather swarthy one in a hardhat, some kind of foreman or boss I gathered. The dialogue paused the timer, as I’d hoped it would. But I still didn’t catch his name; I felt too eager to continue.

The Goron simply expounded on what they were about, and how Vah Rudania, the Divine Beast, prevented them from accessing their other mining areas further into the mountain.

How interesting, I thought, and kept on running.

If I’d been feeling a bit more lax, I might have spent some time and thought wondering about the music. There was something.... very familiar about it here in the mining area, and further up the trail. Must’ve been a track I’d heard on a CD; it didn’t sound like it came from a game I owned....

And then Link came to a halt and shook as an awful roaring rent the air—

What about my timer?

The timer was gone. The screen faded instead to a much closer view of the Divine Beast Vah Rudania as it prowled around the cone of the volcano.

My gosh it was....

It was....

But how does one describe the cinematic passing of a Divine Beast, wherein every intricate detail, every curve and corner, every arch, rib and strut of its gleaming bronzy form is at last able to be glimpsed?

I already knew it was big.

....

The short cinematic ended and I kept on running. More and more bits of deliberate metalwork showed up, in archways, in fenceposts, in bridges. Gorons stood or walked here and there. I passed them. I could see the habitation drawing nearer in my HUD map. The name Goron City glowed across the screen. I could see the yellow dot indicating the one I was supposed to meet with. My fireproof timer was about to run out—

That big old stooped Goron was the one I needed to talk to—I ran into the town—Somehow reaching that point had become connected in my mind with the last crossing of this whole terrible bridge. Surely beyond that there would be some sort of fix, some sort of respite. Although.... there also might not be—I sprinted past rocky structures—What would I do when I had painted myself into a corner? What would I do when I had finished speaking with this elder Goron, and found myself in imminent danger of spontaneous combustion? Did I talk to the guy or—

WAIT.

Less than fifteen seconds.

My eyes darted to my HUD map. The building icons had populated.

Clothing shop, clothing shop.... There it was!

Less than ten seconds.

I ran inside, looked at the wares—600—700—2000 rupees—I had money.

Less than five seconds.

I bought them all and put them on—

And I was safe.

And I stood there as my timer ran out.

....

I looked like an old-timey scuba-diver.

....

. . . . . . .

Do you ever wonder if you’ve just made a big dumb purchase?