Privy Thoughts

Waking of Monday, April 22, 2019 ~ 2

Privy Thoughts

I looked around.

There was comfortable (albeit ruined) furniture, a bookshelf, a little dressing screen over on the other side—there was a chest behind it, but.... not yet—and.... the remains of what must have been a grandiose bed. But the upper canopy was collapsed down upon it. Wardrobe. More.... more furniture....

Was this.... Zelda’s room?

I read her diary.

The first entry:

After meeting with the Champions, I left

to research the ancient technology, but

nothing of note came of my research.

The return of Ganon looms—a dark force

taunting us from afar. I must learn all I

can about the relics so we can stop him.

If the fortune-teller’s prophecy is to be

believed, there isn’t much time left...

Fortune-teller?

Ah, but turning over these thoughts in

my head puts me ill at ease. I suppose

I should turn in for the night.

P.S. Tomorrow my father is assigning

HIM as my appointed knight...

Oh my gosh, she.... she hated me....

Next:

I set out for Goron City today to

make some adjustments to

Dvine Beast Vah Rudania.

I still recall feeling his eyes on me as I

walked ahead. The feeling stayed with

me so long, I grew anxious and weary.

I remembered that day! Walking along the little lake, what was its name?

It is the same feeling I’ve felt before in

his company... And still, not a word

passes his lips.

So I really am silent.

I never know what he’s thinking! [Oh, I must be infuriating!] It makes

my imagination run wild, guessing at

what he is thinking but will not say.

What does the boy chosen by the sword

that seals the darkness think of me?

Will I ever truly know?

She.... wanted to know what I thought of her?

Then, I suppose it’s simple. A daughter

of Hyrule’s royal family yet unable to

use sealing magic... He must despise me.

OHHHH NOOOOO no no no, Zelda, no!  D8  >__<  T__T Oh gosh I can’t—

Next:

I said something awful to him today...

Eh? What.... could that have been?

My research was going nowhere. I was

feeling depressed, and I had told him

repeatedly not to accompany me.

But he did anyway, as he always does,

and so I yelled at him without restraint.

Could that have been.... at the Ancient Pillars, in Tabantha?

He seemed confused by my anger. I feel

terribly guilty...and that guilt only makes

me more agitated than I was before.

Is she going to muse on all the memories I’ve recovered?

Next:

I am unsure how to put today’s events

into words. Words so often evade me

lately, and now more than ever.

He saved me. Without a thought for his

own life, he protected me from the

ruthless blades of the Yiga Clan.

I remember.

Though I’ve been cold to him all this

time...taking my selfish and childish

anger out on him at every turn...

No, but you were always so weighed down.... with something....

Still, he was there for me. I won’t ever

forget that. Tomorrow, I shall apologize

for all that has transpired between us.

And then...I will try talking to him.

To Link. It’s worth a shot.

She called me by my name!

Next:

Bit by bit, I’ve gotten Link to open up

to me. [Uh! What does she remember that I don’t?] It turns out he’s quite a glutton. [WHAT?]

He can’t resist a delicious meal!

When I finally got around to asking why

he’s so quiet all the time, I could tell it

was difficult for him to say. But he did.

What.... did I say?

What did I say?

With so much at stake, and so many eyes

upon him [hahh, truly], he feels it necessary to stay

strong and to silently bear any burden.

I can accept that.

A feeling I know all too well... For him,

it has caused him to stop outwardly

expressing his thoughts and feelings.

I wonder what I had been like before, then.

I always believed him to be simply a

gifted person who had never faced a

day of hardship. How wrong I was...

You’ll feed my ego with talk like that, Princess.

Everyone has struggles that go unseen

by the world... I was so absorbed with

my own problems, I failed to see his.

Well.... to be honest I didn’t think much of yours with all I’ve had on my plate lately. I only knew something had been weighing on you.... and I only wondered why....

I wish to talk with him more and to see

what lies beneath those calm waters [heh, calm?],

to hear him speak freely and openly...

And perhaps I, too, will be able to bare

my soul to him and share the demons

that have plagued me all these years.

I wished you had....

Next:

Father scolded me again today. He told

me I am to have nothing more to do with

researching ancient technology.

The basis of the plan? But I can’t judge a king....

He insisted that I focus instead on

training that will help me awaken

my sealing magic.

That’s hard.

I was so frustrated and ashamed I could

not even speak. I’ve been training since

I was a child, and yet...

Mother passed the year before my

training was to begin. In losing her,

I lost not just a mother, but a teacher.

Oh Zelda....

Mother used to smile and tell me,

“Zelda, my love, all will be well in

the end. You can do anything.”

But she was wrong. [No.] No matter how I try

or how much time passes...the sealing

power that is my birthright evades me.

What does it even mean to be born Hylian Royalty?

Tomorrow I journey with Link to the

Spring of Power to train. But this, too,

will end in failure. Such is my curse.

No, Zelda, you’re not cursed!

I wish I could reach back and tell her so....

Next:

I had a dream last night... In a place

consumed by darkness, a lone woman

gazed at me, haloed by blinding light.

Oh.... I do like hearing about dreams. Did you know that about me?

Go on.

I sensed she was...not of this world.

I don’t know if she was a fairy or a

goddess, but she was beautiful.

Tell me.

Her lips spoke urgently, but her voice

did not reach me. Would I have heard

her if my power was awoken?

Or was my dream simply a manifestation

of my fears? I am sure I will know the

answer soon, whether I wish to or not...

Don’t let it worry you. Only take what you can from it. But you should never let a dream worry you.

Next:

I turned 17 today. [I remember this too!] That means this is the

day I will finally be allowed to train at the

Spring of Wisdom.

I’m suddenly just so grateful and admiring that the Princess kept a journal.

When Link arrives, we will set out for

Mount Lanayru. The other Champions

will accompany us there.

Oh no.

Is it the memory I’m thinking of?

I have not seen my father since he last

scolded me. [Oh no.] Things are too strained

now... I will meet with him when I return.

Oh no, oh no.... no....

...

Actually...I’ve had a horrible feeling ever

since that weird dream. No one would

believe a failure of a princess, but...

What is it? What did you do?

Right now, for no particular reason, I am

filled with a strange and terrible certainty

that something awful is about to happen.

....That was the end.

She never said what she might have done about that feeling.

Did she see her father again?

I tried to remember King Rhoam, so far away and long ago on the Great Plateau.

Did they part well?

I don’t know.

And now I’m here in.... what may very well have been Zelda’s bedroom.

The sun was sinking in a fiery radiance, beautiful despite the Malice dripping through the air, it set the room with a golden light.

I’ve got to kill that Guardian up top.... the Flyer.

There is a memory up there....

Sometimes

Waking of Tuesday, May 29, 2018

Sometimes

D-amphetamine.

Venlafaxine.

Prazosin.

Mirtazapine.

Ketamine.

Theta burst.

Uhrmm the Iodine feels pretty good, actually. Better.

Better than I’ve been . . . in years.

Thanks, Alex.

Had it really been three months?

Three months?

That was so long....

And how long had it been since December? Nearly half a year?

What was wrong with me?

My name is Andrea and I suffer from depression.

Sometimes I used to joke to myself and to others: “I can’t kill myself—I haven’t played the next Zelda game!”

‘Cause, you know . . . . it feels like there’s always gonna be another one . . . . somewhere down the road.

What happened in December? Oh, I was just writing a letter. To the Big Guy. Aonuma. Regarding this log. Wanting to share. Just wanting to share my mad little fan-love catastrophe I seem to have created here.

I haven’t sent it yet—the lower corner of the back page just looked so empty, like it wanted to hold some fanart. So I set to drawing some.

I haven’t finished that either.

Maybe I just wanted it to be too perfect. And I set out to do it, and then I get daunted and discouraged; I used to draw ALL—THE FRIGGIN’—TIME, what the heck was the matter with me?

Sometimes you have bad breakdowns.

Dark times.

But sometimes you find a respite, or solace from a kindly hand.

Encouragement.

And this Tuesday . . . . well it was blessedly quiet and calm. Much needed after two hours’ sleep the night before and only a brief nap in between.

Not three months. I couldn’t go past three months. I turned on the game.

I was still in the Deku Tree’s Navel.

And there was that doppelganger song again. Like an older, slightly more mature brother to the SS Faron Woods music.

Ah but even now as I try to recall it.... all I can hear is the colorful Kikwi forest....

But it was . . . . nice.

I wished I could play the discovery of the Master Sword again, but.... my last manual save was all the way back in the Spring of Courage, and the next autosave after that was already in the Keo Ruug Shrine.

Mmmm too far removed and out of reach....

Hhhh, and I dared not trigger another autosave by moving from the place that I was in—that tight little hollow. I just.... stepped around. Stood.

But the music was still so nice.

Soothing.

It was the nighttime version of the song.

In the end I only paused the game, turned the volume up a bit, and moved to where my computer and tablet were in the other room. How long had Photoshop been open with that file?

I cleaned up Link’s hair quite a bit, and added some more definition to his face—poor guy’s got eyes finally....

I wonder how many bandoliers and accessories I want to bother with. Even the Slate....?

But.... the evening and the conditions were good: I could still draw. I could still draw if I tried and if it was quiet. Maybe things like the Slate won’t be as difficult as I fear they might.

I didn’t realize how much just hearing the music would . . . .

I don’t know, it just made me feel . . . . It made the world feel . . . . softer.

It made it feel okay.

I had just been hurting so much and been so impatient for weeks.

Impatient for everything to just be over with.

I wanted to die.

Sometimes I still do.

Sometimes, I used to joke to myself.

Sometimes, it’s not a joke.

Sometimes you’ve just got to hold on to something.