Treasured in the Desert

Waking of Friday, January 19, 2018 ~ 5

Treasured in the Desert

Well, I was decked out in Gerudo attire, and therefore theoretically able to venture inside their forbidden city.... But I looked up and noticed one thing—the sandstorm against the Gerudo Highlands had abated.

And I remembered what that young man had said—there was treasure hidden somewhere over there.

It was 1:30 am.

Gerudo Town? Or sandstorm treasure?

....

I warped to Gerudo Town and took a sand seal. The opportunity was ripe; I thought I may as well go for it.

I had already semi-triangulated the treasure’s whereabouts when I had circumnavigated Gerudo Town before. One of the entry guards had told me about the statues that peppered the desert, one of which I’d seen near the town: Gerudo Swordswomen. Allegedly their outstretched weapons pointed the way toward the treasure.

Part of my circumnavigation happened to have taken me directly behind one of these statues, and so.... I’d dropped some map-markers. The treasure had to be somewhere along that line.

And so having jumped a fresh sand seal I plunged into the sparkling, starlit vastness of the sea of sand and stone—only a moment later to be clouded into an oblivious pocket of browny beige at the roaring storm’s return.

Oh for—Fine timing—

And my Sheikah Slate malfunctioned again!

It hadn’t been the boundaries of Hyrule before—it had been the storm.

I just tried to keep the insistent sand seal on a straight course—and I still had the thought to consult my map, switch the markers to beacons if need be; those would show up on my HUD to guide me—but my HUD showed only static of course.

The seal kept pulling, fast as a chariot. And there were baddies—the Lizalfos Mask leapt to my face—and rocks to dodge—this was going to throw me off course. What could I—

Another Swordswoman statue hazed out of the gloom, arm and sword outstretched, pointing.

I veered in the direction indicated. This is crazy! I thought. And nowhere near the vector I’d started with—not that I could tell for sure. Where was this going to lead me?

More rocks. More Lizalfos. Ruins looming in the dimness, and every so often.... another sword arm proclaiming the path.

It was a long and dizzying drag in the murk....

But when I swirled suddenly toward the orange glow of a shrine—

With a wrench I let go of the seal; it burrowed off into oblivion. Sorry, treasure, I thought. But this was one detour I wasn’t willing to pass up. Not even for treasure.

I trudged toward the glow through the din. The shrine was caged beneath the ruin of an ancient ribcage—this must have been the one I saw from the mountain before.

The Kema Zoos Shrine it was called. But when I approached it, the completed sidequest banner flashed across my screen—?

This Shrine was the treasure of the Silent Swordswomen.

....Huh.

Okay then! :D

I hopped inside, and beat it. And when I came back out, the sandstorm had passed, and the sun was shining.

....

I wanted to climb on top of the skeleton.

I wandered around to get on the outside of the spine, but no sooner had I done so than I began to pant in the heat!

I ran back under the ribcage. Maybe it was like the other locations in this area; if I stayed close to it I would be—I was still swaying and wincing.

In desperation I ran for cover beneath the shrine’s overhang. I was fine here.

....Was here where I had to stay to be safe? How close did I have to be to the shrine to stay cool?

I stepped out, and took a few paces. Still beneath the ribcage, and everything seemed in order. Beyond the ribcage, too hot. Back under the ribcage, just fine. No, not just fine—I was heatsick again. What in the world was—was this one of those overlapping boundaries depending on your direction—

No I was fine again. I was fine under the shadow of the skeleton. The ribs cast thick dark lines of shade across the ancient paving, slatting the scorching sunlight.

Wait a second.

No.

No way.

I stayed beneath the ribcage, but stepped out of the shadow, and into a glaring sunbeam.

—And my temperature gauge flared and I began to sweat and pant—

Back in the shade . . . . and I was better.

Back in the sun . . . . and I was in trouble—

The shade . . . . sweet cool solace—

Sun . . . . burning up—

Shade—I’m safe—

Sun—I’m frying—

Shade—It’s nice—

WAIT.

I stood still, and watched the shadow crawl beneath my feet with the arcing of the day, the lip of it slowly approaching to dump me back into the daylight.

And when the sun struck my boot and began to crawl up my leg—I OVERHEATED AGAIN.

WERE THEY SERIOUS?? THAT WAS SO BOSS I COULDN’T EVEN BELIEVE IT MY GOSH THESE GAME DESIGNERS WOW JUST WOW WOW WOWWWWuh!

THEY TRACKED THE SUN.

They tracked the sun and shade, that is just—

That is amazing.

I’ve never seen that before.

There was something I had never seen before.

HAHH.

My sand seal was still there. Or a sand seal was. But.... I was still stranded until nightfall. Hm.

Ah blow it.

I drank my first ever heat resistant elixir, and sand sealed back toward Kara Kara Bazaar!

Under The Sentinel Sun

Waking of Friday, January 19, 2018

Under The Sentinel Sun

In the morning I bought all of Shailu’s arrows—normal, Fire, Ice, Shock, and Bomb. The Bomb Arrow was.... expectedly more expensive, though expecting it did little to soften the deal.

And then Shailu was out of stock.

She’d only had one of each.

....

So outside, I bought all of Beedle’s arrows.

I still was not giving him my Energetic Rhino Beetle, though.

After this I explored a part of the bazaar I had not gotten to before—the part that first made me recognize the place as holding one of my memories. I’d seen it from way, way far away on the backside of the Gerudo Highlands, long, long before:

The large, characteristically bulbous rock formation jutting high above the inn, draped on all sides with rugs on ropes so that it almost resembled a hot air balloon.

It was easy enough to find the couple of ladders that led up to the top. But when I got there.... nothing was there.

That was strange, I thought. David had seemed so full of anticipation for when I climbed up there.

Then again it wouldn’t be the first time we gave each other puzzled looks over game happenings or non-happenings that didn’t line up between our separate playthroughs.

Seems the event programmers rather did the thing properly in this open world....

With nothing left to do in town and daylight starting to burn, I set out for Gerudo Town to the southwest.

But not far from the oasis, I started to pant and sigh—it was too hot.

So I put on my Flamebreaker Armor.

It didn’t help.

What? :c

I ran back toward the cool shade of the bazaar—Why didn’t my Flamebreaker Armor help? It could withstand the heat of the volcano. It could keep me from spontaneously combusting! Couldn’t it do anything to insulate me from the desert heat?

Or did it perhaps act like an oven instead?

Ughh....

On the way back to the bazaar I struck up a conversation with a Gerudo who was running in my same direction. Kyra was her name.

“Okay... it’s a voe. You can do this. Remember your training,” she muttered under her breath.

Oh my gosh what. X-)

She then launched into a romantic introduction outlining how she was going out into the world searching for her dreams. “You’re a part of my dreams, aren’t you?” she asked with a cute, girlish bounce in her posture.

The available responses made me laugh:

“You’re my dream girl!”

. . . . or . . . .

“Just a guy takin’ a walk.”

XD

Eh in the end I decided I didn’t want to lead her on. “Just a guy takin’ a walk,” I said, and she immediately dropped her girlish air like a sack of potatoes.

“If that’s the case then there’s no more point talking to you,” she deadpanned with all the tenderness of a cactus.

Dang.

I guess.... she had good training at least. She had seemed like such an eager young n00b....

Why didn’t my Flamebreaker Armor work?

I guessed I would need to make some cooling elixirs for myself. Or only travel at night.

At the bazaar I found some other people to talk to, including one Robsten, who said his caravan leader had gone to Gerudo Town to negotiate entry, but had not come back yet.

Hmmm....

Another young man standing on a little scaffold behind one of the piles of goods said he was watching the sandstorm around the Gerudo Highlands, waiting for it to clear, so he could go for the treasure it concealed....

Hmmmm....

Huh!

I tried running back toward the mountain. Maybe that would be different—

Nope. Too hot that way, too.

I was stuck.

Well, not really. But I didn’t want to warp away; there were no shrines nearby.

Hmm.

I made a cooling elixir. But....

Well I’ve never been one for elixirs.

I decided to wait for nightfall.

In the meantime I spoke to Kyra again, wondering if she had anything different to say. She didn’t, and I was once again “Just a guy takin’ a walk”, and once again dismissed just as coldly.

It was an interesting hobble, being held captive by the desert sun. And nothing I could don would form a permanent solution against it!

Well, I guess it does make sense.

And I would know.

But when the sun finally began to sink and the desert began to cool off I ran out for Gerudo Town, wearing my Lizalfos Mask, just in case.

I once again met Kyra running the other way.

“You again?” she said, “I’m on my personal journey of learning and discovery so it would be great if you could not disrupt it.” She paused. “Unless... Do you think you’re part of my destiny? My dream life?” Or some such words.

Eh, third time’s the charm. Just to see what would happen, I answered with a big hearty “You’re my dream girl!”

Kyra straightened up at once and said, “My vaba always said nothing’s so shady as a voe who talks about dream this and dream that. I guess she was right.”

OUCH. XD

I felt kind of pathetic in the Lizalfos Mask.

Why are Gerudo so tall....?

“Run along, voe. I’m busy,” she said, and left.

Wow.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Carrying on.

Kara Kara Bazaar

Evening of Friday, January 5, 2018 ~ 3

Kara Kara Bazaar

Situated round the hub of a cool oasis, ringed with palm trees, Kara Kara Bazaar seemed rather much like a stable: a sprinkling of merchants and other characters, a place to sleep, a lit wok, a local dog.... and Beedle.

I still wasn’t handing over my Energetic Rhino Beetle to him.

There were, however, no horses in the vicinity; all traffic here seemed to be on foot or not at all.

Most of the residents were Gerudo, and most of the Gerudo seemed concerned in some degree with expressing their loathing of the Yiga.

Well I guessed we were somewhat closer to that winding Satan Canyon with all the frogs and ant lion traps.

The merchants sat out in front of tents and tarped piles of boxes with their goods—fruit, mostly. “Good...day...” said the first one I talked to, “That’s how you say it where you come from, right?”

So cute! XD

The one elderly Gerudo merchant I saw had her hair (still very red!) pulled back in an elaborate updo adorned with beads and jewels. She complained so sorely about the heat, for a desert dweller, that I felt a little bad not buying anything from her. But I wasn’t interested in fruit just now.

And then I saw another Rito.

A thrill took me—I had never met any other Rito besides Kass before! I hurried to where this other lazed back on some rocks beside the water. Are you a girl bird or a boy bird....? David and I wondered....

The Rito’s name was Guy.

“Oh you’re a man-bird,” I said, and David laughed.

Apparently Guy had not been fully prepared for the pounding desert heat—if he just had a cooling elixir maybe he’d be able to continue on his travels....

The sidequest name flashed across the top of the screen: An Ice Guy.

....

I once read that groaning has been the appropriately appreciative response to puns since the days of the Roman Empire.

....

Yup. XD

I’d never made a cooling elixir before, but I certainly had enough darners for it. I made one now at the wok, and took it back to Guy. Oh, he was happy to get it—and he gave me a purple rupee for my trouble!

And then.... he taught me how to say ‘thank you’ in Gerudo: “Sarqso”.

Heh. Cool. >u<

Another Gerudo sat on a rug beneath some propped up, textile shade. “Mother wouldn’t be all right with a delicate voe like you,” she said of looking at me.

These Gerudo....

We talked. Her name was Rhondson, and she was looking for the love of her life.

Why the rush? I asked her.

“It’s incredibly rare for a male to be born to the Gerudo, so we travel to find husbands,” she said. And she wondered if there was someone out there for her....

Hang in there, Rhondson.

I stepped into the inn—which seemed to double as a shop, for my eyes fell on—

BOY DO THEY GOT THE ARROWS. C8

There they were, lined up in a neat little row along the wall, every variety except for Ancient. Shailu, the Gerudo behind that little counter, couldn’t be bothered much to chat about them, though—she was too absorbed in a book.

I would definitely have to remember this place—and so placed a bow-and-arrow stamp on my map right then and there.

By now it was about 8:30 or just past in the evening. I spoke to Kachoo, the actual innkeep, whose name I thought sounded like a sneeze, and.... aw heck.... asked for a soft bed, with a wake up call in the morning.

“Soft bed it is!” said Kachoo, “Sleep well!”

“Sarqso,” I told her.

. .  .   .    .     .       .

The time-passing music was different for the soft bed sleep—much embellished and quite fancy.

David turned in my periphery and stared at me intently during the little refrain.

But I did not stare back.

We weren’t playing Skies of Arcadia.

THE MOUNTAIN'S CURSE

Waking of Sunday, November 26, 2017 ~ 4

THE MOUNTAIN’S CURSE

I warped to Satori

This was what I made all those Stamina potions for.

Even in the growing light of dawn, the teal haze still cast an otherworldly cloud upon the mountaintop, shutting out all else but that shining, sheening music. The song that felt somehow.... off. Glorious and mystical to be certain, and yet.... not without talons. Not without dread. Not without a gaze that you fear to let meet your own.

I scurried to the top and IT WAS RAINING AND I COULDN’T CLIMB THE STONES, BLAST IT.

I peered between them—the Blue Beast stood in the pool—maybe it was only the rain that kept him from spying me at this distance....

But how was I supposed to get—

Okay, topo, topo—I studied the map, read the lines carefully....

That rock to the left, the one I never climbed, that one seemed to be the least steep one....!

I scrambled for it, slipping time and again in the slick rain BUT SUMMONING MY ENERGIES I MADE IT TO THE TOP. BARELY.

Augh it was nearly MIDDAY at this point. But still the teal spell held....

I paraglided down, trying to turn in the air—for the beast was facing me and I didn’t want to land on it backward—NO IT STARTED TO MOVE I MOVED WITH IT—

I landed on its back. In the right direction.

And it started to buck, and I soothed it like mad, and my stamina burned away, rings counting down so fast, and I ate stamina-filling things, and I soothed, and I ate stamina-things again, again—

AND I SOOTHED IT.

And it stood still.

OH MY GOSH I SOOTHED THIS THING NOW IF I COULD ONLY GET IT.... SOMEWHERE....

I swiveled the camera in a wonder—

IT HAD FOUR EYES, LIKE SOME DOUBLE-FACED JANUS OWL.

FLOOFY ANTENNAE LIKE A MOTH.

THE EYES ALL BLINKED AT DIFFERENT TIMES? Some Greek god reared its dusty head in my memory—

GOLDEN YELLOW CLOVEN HOOVES.

No not golden—like—just a BURNING SUN COLOR.

SUN-COLORED HOOVES.

RUNES ON ITS BODY—

THOSE WERE THE SAME SHAPES AS SHOWED IN MY SHEIKAH SLATE.

THE SAME SWIRLS AS LIVED IN THE EMPTY BLUE BEYOND MY MAP.

THIS WAS THE LORD OF THE MOUNTAIN.

The ground glowed where its feet touched.

Its feet glowed so bright....

I walked it back and forth, back and forth, back and forth in the pool, hardly daring to kick above a canter, there was so little room. I soothed it for its obedience to my every turn and change, but it returned little acknowledgement. It felt so precarious. I’d never yet been bucked off a tamed mount, but.... How could I tell what this one’s limit was?

I would be gentle, until I could get it down from this awful mountain. Study the topography, study the topography, look at the land, find a way please....

I could see a place on my map where the lines seemed farthest apart.... but it was still so steep. I considered the glimmering, rippling rocks in the downpour; the rain would do nothing to help me there.

I started slowly out along a narrow ledge—this had to be the way; the topo didn’t lie—this was the best and only way—

A flash of bright blue in the dark—the blupees still had the run of the mountaintop. No but that one there was.... on flat-ish land just below me and to the left?

I looked again at my map.... now I saw it: a clear winding path cut safely through the jagged elevations. Still steep, but consistent in its descent. How had I never seen that?

....Well, I never was one to give much thought to roads—and that when they were plain.

I turned the Lord of the Mountain back, reached the steady slope, and followed it carefully downward in the drumming rain.

And in just a moment.... the sun came out. And in the warming sunshine I could see the blupees still roamed and there were other animals around.... before the wrack of cloud enfolded us again. We seemed to move in and out of the mist—a normal, grey mist; the teal haze had gone. But the mystical, creeping, piano-string-tight music still watched us intently from every side. Watched me intently. ._.

But at length as we descended further the sun came out the final victor, and even the haunting music melted away.

Man there were goats everywhere.

The Lord of the Mountain had only hearted at me once, maybe twice, up on the gloomy mountaintop, but no more. Not once since then. And yet it did not snort and turn of its own will, or deny the directions I gave it. Did it bond fast?

It seemed to make a tinkling as it cantered over the grass.... like jingle bells....

Miraculously, unbelievably, we reached the level Nima Plain—this glowing, godly, blue thing down on the common sunny grass—and traveled thence to Sanadin Park.... and come Sanadin Park, the Lord of the Mountain followed the path on its own.

Good work.... good work.... well done.... well done.... I chanted under my breath—

It still felt fragile as glass and ice.

We crossed Manhala Bridge, and came into the Outskirt Stable as the sun was readying to set. Oh my gosh when David saw this.... but I was alone right now.

“Looks like you’ve caught yourself a new steed! Do you want to register it?” said Embry.

HECK YES. “Yes, please.”

“Understoo—Uh...” Embry looked up.

“Wh-what is that?

Can that...THING you’re riding be the

fabled Lord of the Mountain?!”

YES AND I WANTED TO REGISTER IT OH MY GOSH THIS WAS GONNA BE AWESOME WHAT WOULD THE TACK LOOK LIKE OH PLZ PLZ PLZ COME ON GAME DO IT....

Embry yelped in fright and trembled where he stood.

“Why in Hylia’s name would you bring

something like that here? We’ll all be

cursed!”

THE TV TURNED OFF BY ITSELF.

The Big Dang Horse

Waking of Saturday, October 28, 2017 ~ 4

The Big Dang Horse

What had commandeered my attention after I set my controller down to charge....? Probably just the necessaries of life.

I came back and found that my lonely WiiU had gone to sleep.

Rats! I hadn’t found a proper saving point!

I restarted it all back up....

And I was on Satori Mountain.

The glowing beast wasn’t there. But the Korok I scared up was.... some consolation I suppose.

I went back to the Outskirt Stable. Probably. I let myself play too far and too long without logging—it gets hard to remember—

Suffice it to say that the sirens played havoc in my head again and I was off to the Great Plateau.

They say Hylians have long ears to hear the voices of the Gods.

I think when I play it’s more like hearing the call of attention deficit disorder.

Hm, or since he’s the avatar, and I’m the player, does that make me the God? He does so readily obey my every whim.... though I allow him the moments that must be lived one way and no other.

But let’s not get too meta just here.

The rain was pouring on the Stasis Shrine, but through the din I could still hear the mean, scruffling sounds of stal-creatures clawing up out of the earth and wishing to do me ill.

Not wanting to deal with them I ran toward the first empty edge I could see and jumped off into the cacophonous, blustering night.

I couldn’t see anything for the rain. Just dim looming shapes in the distance—mountains and hills. I had to consult my map to orient myself.

I wanted back in the Lynels’ Corridor.

I had unfinished business there.

Maybe it was that I had finally taken my horses out and showed them a little bit of love. Ah, my sweet babies.... I like to keep them locked up safe and sound—no telling what we might encounter out in the world. I didn’t want anything to happen to them.

Mm but they were still my proud and wonderful beasts, and I still liked to ride the roads with them.

And there had been that Mohawk mane style....

....

There was only one animal in the world for which that style would be so.... singularly and definitively befitting.

I touched down in the grasslands and jogged quickly toward the baobabs—there were wolves about and I didn’t need their attentions right now.

Presently the herd came into view. But.... they all looked the same. Five or six animals, milling around, cropping the grass.... All the same size.

Where was the big one?

Off to my right, right against the western mountain, one more dark horse pawed unconcernedly about. Fine place for it to stand when I was trying to compare them all.

I was sure it was the one from before—deep black body and a flaming orange mane and tail—but I wanted to make extra sure. I headed toward it, scooting round the baobabs in a fine game of ring-around-the-rosie until I was able to cow it back toward its fellows.

It joined up with them smoothly enough, droplets of water cleaving together. But was it all the way into their midst? The screen gave me no depth perception. The dark one still stood out big among the herd, and I was too far away to tell clearly—Was it larger for its size? Or for its nearness?

A littler horse walked in front of it.

Oh yeah, that was the big one.

And now that I had more stamina, I wanted to try it again.

And the slow chase was on.

I crouched down and crept carefully up behind it, freezing when it turned, pausing as long as I needed, closer and closer.... The other horses snorted and cantered away if they saw me, but my only concern was the Dark One.

Careful not to come up directly behind it—didn’t want a kick in the face, not from that one—I came close to its right flank.... and hopped on.

The thing jumped and bucked as I patted and soothed it frantically—my legs were spread wide over its huge barrel trunk—and my stamina began to burn away. I had much more of it this time, but it was going down fast.

But a quick look into my pockets showed me my stock of stamina dishes and elixirs—I used them all—and on the dregs of the very last one....

The Dark Horse stamped itself into a huff, and stood still beneath me.

I’d got it!

What a BEAST he was! Strong, and proud, and beautiful. I walked him back and forth, here and there, patting his neck, trotting him, reassuring him, soothing him and murmuring sweet sounds beneath the baobabs.

Hahhh! When I got this beauty back to a stable I’d—

And then I saw the problem.

The northern end of the Lynel’s Corridor is a box canyon. To the north is the towering wall of the Great Plateau. To the west, the red tiers of the Gerudo Highlands. To the east, the lush but steep mountain range bordering the lake.

The only way out of this place was southward, past not one but two Lynels, and a small battalion of mounted Bokoblins.

Touché, Nintendo. Touché.

There was no way I was attempting that on a steed that had anything less than complete trust in me. I couldn’t afford any refusals.

And so I continued trotting the Dark One back and forth, back and forth, round and round, again and again, now stopping, now starting, now sprinting, now stepping, always assuring him with pats to his neck, but not too many too fast, correcting him quickly, rewarding him fairly, and loving him gently.

He was a giant to be sure, but he seemed to have no energy for bursts of speed. His fastest gallop.... was his only gallop. This had me worried for getting past those Lynels, but.... after a long time of learning and bonding and with nothing else for it.... we turned our heads southward, and plunged down the grassland.

The Lynels were actually.... surprisingly easy to slip past! And they did not pursue us once we were out of their prowling grounds. And with a bit of weaving and dodging, the Bokoblins did not pose much of a threat either!

I pressed the Dark One onward down the road—we weren’t going to stop for anything until I could register this beast!

And we came at length to the Highland Stable, and it was once again that terrible conniption of deciding on a fitting name.

I knew whose horse this had to be descended from. It was obvious. The huge size, the soot-black coat, the mane like a raging fire. The proximity to Gerudo lands.

But to name him after anything having to do with such a figure.... it would be like a swear word. ._.

And yet.... how could I choose anything else? It would feel untrue. Unfaithful.

But truth and faithfulness notwithstanding, did such a figure even deserve any such honor?

This was a real pickle.

....

You know, perhaps his name had already gone down in history a thousand times as the darkest curse a man could utter.

But perhaps his surname.... the second name he took from the time he rode the black horse with the flaming mane.... perhaps that name was and had always been a purely Gerudo device.

And he wasn’t a Gerudo. Not really.

Maybe it was a good, proud name once. A strong Gerudo name.

Maybe it could be again.

I spent my twenty rupees at the stable counter, and I called my gargantuan steed....

Dragmire.

Big Boss Bludo

Waking of Saturday, August 12, 2017 ~ 3

Big Boss Bludo

That was probably the fastest I’d ever bought clothes.

!

My male friends should be proud of me. XD

The Firebreaker Armor was thick, and ruddy, the Greaves looked like robot legs, and the Helm covered my whole head but for a bar-guarded visor in the front for me to see through.

I still really wondered whether I’d just made a big dumb purchase. I was moving so fast—did I want to replay any of this? Savor it more somehow?

But I was here now. And here was where I’d meant to come.

I’d forced my way in.

Hoo.

I decided to take a little walk to catch my breath. I talked here and there, I saw items for sale, food for sale, I met a young Goron selling Fireproof Elixirs in the thoroughfare (he became quite waspish as I regrettably refused him). There were a few other shops I saw as I wandered around, as well as an inn.

This inn didn’t offer regular beds and slightly more expensive soft beds, as I’d seen elsewhere in Hyrule; but rather regular stays and—for a similar extra fee—body massages. Allegedly this would leave you feeling more rejuvenated and energized in the morning, although.... it was hard to keep from imagining, rather, what a pitiful pulp I’d be mashed into beneath those huge Goron fists....

Perhaps what surprised me most inside the inn, however, was the sight of a Gerudo kicking back in a chair by the window.

I spoke with her. Yamella I think was her name.

“Sav’aaq,” she greeted me, “Flirting in the middle of the day are we? Bold.”

WAT.  ._.  “That’s not what I—” Who the heck was this lady? “Aren’t you hot?” I asked her.

But she said she had slathered fireproof elixir over her skin. “There’s a Goron brat outside selling it, if you want any,” she said.

Yeah I’d met him.

Yamella was a jeweler, visiting here for the minerals. But again, Vah Rudania slowed up her business as well.

After a short walk around town, I followed my shrine-detector up to the resident Sheikah Shrine, and beat it. On the walk back, a Goron named Bargoh made me grin when he asked, “What are you doing here, little guy?”

Little guy? It was like something I’d say to a small animal.

Heh, I guess Hylians are kinda tiny compared to Gorons.

Well.... Goron City was reached, the heat was averted, and the natives were restless.

It was time to talk to that elder Goron beneath the blinking yellow dot on my map.

Bludo was his name. He was huge and old, and stooped, and he was the boss of this town.

Heh, “boss”. That’s what they called him. There was something.... charmingly blatant about that title.

Vah Rudania itself allegedly didn’t pose much of a problem to the Gorons—they could handle the Divine Beast.

It was the fact that it kept coming back.

No matter how many times they beat it back with their giant cannons, it always returned to stomp around the volcano’s cone.

But there was another problem. Bludo seemed to have overstrained his back, and it was very painful for him to move, let alone operate the cannons. Even as he spoke to me, there were a couple of times his muscles spasmed and his back emitted a superlow hardcore flesh-coated CRUNCH.

Ouch. >_O;;

He had sent a young Goron named Yunobo to fetch some painkillers from the store of supplies up at the North Mine, but Yunobo hadn’t come back yet.

Three guesses what he asked me to do next.

HOTFOOTING IT

Waking of Saturday, August 12, 2017 ~ 2

HOTFOOTING IT

Perhaps it was that I had so recently finally consumed one of the Spicy Omelets in my inventory. Perhaps it was that I now had plenty of Fireproof Lizards in my pockets. Perhaps I just couldn’t take being called That guy who backed out of the endurance challenge.

Or maybe my shame had finally caught up with me for being such a dawdler.

I warped to the shrine in the desert near Digdogg Suspension Bridge, and hiked from there up into the mountain until I found Bayge, Heehl, Kabetta, and their giant molten hotplate of death.

I hopped up onto it, my clothes started to smoke, and Bayge’s cinematic wound up in an overdone countdown that had me juddering to hit the pause button and find that elixir!

Freedom of movement came soon enough. (Link’s overheated expression in the pause menu looked quite duressed!) I found the elixir, downed it, and returned to the game to find myself.... standing rather sedately on the glowing hot skillet, smoke no longer issuing from my person. That was nice.

I wondered if they’d give me fireproof clothing for beating this! I’d forgotten that it was actually a Shrine Challenge, and so was only slightly disappointed when Bayge called time and the thing rumbled up out of the earth.

The Gorons were all wowed and impressed anyway.

I beat the shrine, collected the Spirit Orb, and decided.... it had been long enough.

With a few more freshly-cooked Fireproof Elixirs in my pockets, I warped to the Eldin Tower.

Setting my face toward what appeared on my map to be the quickest road to Goron City, and what appeared before my face to be a random tangle of ash-slides and twisted rock, I stepped to the edge of the tower, and took a flying leap.

Fwoom! went the thermometer as smoke began billowing from my clothes again. And into the pause menu I went, downed another elixir, returned to the game.... and was safe in my silent glide into the inferno.

The time limit for the elixir’s effect ticked soundlessly away, gleaming unobtrusively in the upper left corner with all the innocence of the impending vacuum of space. The upper volcano was eerie. The glow of the lava so close and ash and lit cinders in the air.

But my boots soon hit the rock, and I was on a mission. I didn’t stop for Lizalfos. I didn’t stop for ore. I didn’t stop for critters.

I had to get to Goron City.

I tried to stay high and cut the corners of the path in my HUD map, capitalizing on the chance to cover distance by paraglider. And when my flight speed and altitude were spent, and I flushed down into the low road, I sprinted. I could only keep on hoofing it up the track.

And then of a sudden I burst through the midst of a gang of Gorons hard at work—the South Mine this place was called. I stopped to talk to a rather swarthy one in a hardhat, some kind of foreman or boss I gathered. The dialogue paused the timer, as I’d hoped it would. But I still didn’t catch his name; I felt too eager to continue.

The Goron simply expounded on what they were about, and how Vah Rudania, the Divine Beast, prevented them from accessing their other mining areas further into the mountain.

How interesting, I thought, and kept on running.

If I’d been feeling a bit more lax, I might have spent some time and thought wondering about the music. There was something.... very familiar about it here in the mining area, and further up the trail. Must’ve been a track I’d heard on a CD; it didn’t sound like it came from a game I owned....

And then Link came to a halt and shook as an awful roaring rent the air—

What about my timer?

The timer was gone. The screen faded instead to a much closer view of the Divine Beast Vah Rudania as it prowled around the cone of the volcano.

My gosh it was....

It was....

But how does one describe the cinematic passing of a Divine Beast, wherein every intricate detail, every curve and corner, every arch, rib and strut of its gleaming bronzy form is at last able to be glimpsed?

I already knew it was big.

....

The short cinematic ended and I kept on running. More and more bits of deliberate metalwork showed up, in archways, in fenceposts, in bridges. Gorons stood or walked here and there. I passed them. I could see the habitation drawing nearer in my HUD map. The name Goron City glowed across the screen. I could see the yellow dot indicating the one I was supposed to meet with. My fireproof timer was about to run out—

That big old stooped Goron was the one I needed to talk to—I ran into the town—Somehow reaching that point had become connected in my mind with the last crossing of this whole terrible bridge. Surely beyond that there would be some sort of fix, some sort of respite. Although.... there also might not be—I sprinted past rocky structures—What would I do when I had painted myself into a corner? What would I do when I had finished speaking with this elder Goron, and found myself in imminent danger of spontaneous combustion? Did I talk to the guy or—

WAIT.

Less than fifteen seconds.

My eyes darted to my HUD map. The building icons had populated.

Clothing shop, clothing shop.... There it was!

Less than ten seconds.

I ran inside, looked at the wares—600—700—2000 rupees—I had money.

Less than five seconds.

I bought them all and put them on—

And I was safe.

And I stood there as my timer ran out.

....

I looked like an old-timey scuba-diver.

....

. . . . . . .

Do you ever wonder if you’ve just made a big dumb purchase?

Hylian Barbecue

Waking of Thursday, June 8, 2017

Hylian Barbecue

“Hey David, say that really sad line that Folken says,” I grinned.

David laughed as his eyes raked the ceiling for recollection.... “Oh yeah, uh.... ‘Will somebody please tell me WHY . . . . MY WISHES NEVER COME TRUE?’ T___T ”

“But they do, David!” :D And I dived into the cupboard and powered up the WiiU.

I warped from the Akkala Ancient Tech Lab tooooo.... “The Shrine of Ja Baij will do nicely!” I said. ^_^

“Are you going Guardian-hunting?” David asked.

“Nope!” I climbed out of the East Abbey, got on the edge of the Plateau wall, set my nose toward the Bridge of Hylia.... and took a flying leap.

David might have sunk into his phone again.

I hit the ground running and booked it for the bridge! I dashed across the stones—stopping only briefly to throw a rock into the water far below to scare up a Korok—one shot!—and kept on running!

I ran past the Lizalfos in the middle! Didn’t have time for them!

I ran all the way to the other side!

And there mounting up from the cracked and craggy hills to the right was....

“Wait are you doing a Tower?” David asked.

“Yes!”

“Ohoh!” he perked up at this—he’s been dying for me to explore more.

“Wishes do come true!” I cheered.

“You’re doing it, Peter!” he cheered back.

This Sheikah Tower looked easy enough! There were a few Bokoblins about, but honestly who cares about Bokoblins?

I didn’t follow the path but was once again keeping to the high ground, on the right side, the side near the bridge. Maybe the left would have been better as it connected with that big ridge surrounding the lake.... more ground to stand on....

But no matter! I huffed it up into the hills—the earth was so cracked and shattered here! I wondered if it had become all broken up like this when the Tower had burst out of the ground....

My progress was just dandy as I leapt from slab to slab of the erupted crust. My Champion’s Tunic showed me the life-meters of enemies I couldn’t even see—hiding in the low path that ran through the shade of the widest cracks.

Part of me thought it was nifty, but part of me thought.... it was kinda cheap....

Couldn’t say it hadn’t come in handy sometimes, though.

I came to a high spot and thought to have a little look around, but....

Fire Wizzrobe.

It had just come into view, close enough for me to see. Him I didn’t need. As viewpoints went, this would have to suffice; I didn’t want to stir up any unnecessary trouble—

That high-pitched giggling off to my right side.

Uh-oh.

Didn’t move fast enough. There must have been another Wizzrobe, and it sounded like he’d spotted me.

Another Fire Wizzrobe, just my luck.

I sprinted for it, hopping over the cracked earth—maybe if I put enough distance between him and me he’d lose interest....

But as I made it to the lattice-like walls and huffed it up the tower, I could hear the Wizzrobe still following me. Rats....

Well, I’d just have to move extra quick-like. And just as well, because it was bedtime for me anyway. Surely the Wizzrobe would leave off if I just kept climbing farther and farther away....

I heard the swishing, plishing sound of magic warming up, and tensed myself to jump to a higher part of the viney lattice if need be. A roaring rush of sound followed, and an explosion rocked a lower part of the tower—seemingly on the other side from where I was.

Oh would he just get lost already?

I only listened to the Wizzrobe skipping through the air again as I continued to climb, and catch my breath on the platforms. More magic. More explosions. And then—

There was a sound from the Wizzrobe that was quite different, and then it was as if the earth were erupting in fire here and now around me. Flames licked up through the air, and burning stones bigger than my head fell like hail around me, and the sky and all beneath it became tinged by a red haze and everything was shaking and rumbling and rumbling and shaking and ROARING . . . .

This was the Wizzrobe’s doing?

“What the heck is going on?” I wailed. D8

“I don’t know! I’ve never seen this happen before,” said David.

“Nothing attacked you here?”

“Well I watched where I was going—I didn’t let anything see me.”

I kept climbing. None of the raining firestones were hitting me....

“It’s getting hot....” David pointed out.

“I know....” I said, though I was mostly just focused on keeping climbing.... I spared the thermometer a quick glance. It was in the red.

“Drink an elixir!” said David.

“I don’t have any.”

“Nothing?”

“Nope.” I had to stop on a platform to regain my stamina.

“You’re slowly getting hurt from the heat,” said David.

I was panting. Two hearts were gone.

“Just kill it!”

“Rahh—” I jumped onto the wall again. I was almost there....

The earth still rumbled—the fire still rained—another jump—costly—didn’t want to risk another one here at the end—a third heart was burning away—

And as I climbed over the last horrible outleaning lattice and cleared the upper edge—

The firestorm ceased.

The rumbling stopped.

The sky became light blue again; the haze of heat and fire was gone.

And I stood, and the world was calm, and quiet.

“Oh man....”

Friggin’ Wizzrobe.

Maybe I should start brewing some cooling elixirs....

More Bad Things

Waking of Thursday, May 11, 2017

More Bad Things

Visible from the Wetland Stable, just across the river and toward the castle, there was a small, jutting plateau, something left over from erosion, looked like, in the otherwise wide, rolling plain.

From the stable grounds, I could see a distant fire, and smoke, rising from a spot on top of that plateau. And I wanted to find out why it was there....

Perhaps I was becoming more the Hero, more the Fool.

It wasn’t far; and I’d been on the bridge that led to it before—I’d saved Leekah from a bokoblin on that bridge.

Of course, I’d saved Leekah from bokoblins in most places....

A short jog across the bridge, a dash through the rolling grass, a little skip around a gang of stalbokoblins, and I was climbing the stony wall of the plateau, which was only a little unnerving due to the fact that one of the stalbokoblins seemed to be packing a bow—but he was a lousy shot, thank goodness.

On top of the plateau was a small lean-to beside a jutting hillock of stone that was half again as tall as I was. A woman rested there, beside a campfire and an unlit wok. She seemed well at ease considering her location; an apple and a bunch of some kind of grainstalks lay ready beside a log bench.

Her name was Benny, and she remarked to me that she and I were two of a kind, brave adventurers, and that there probably weren’t many like us roaming about—few people ever ventured out to where she was.

She invited me to climb the little hillock and have a look about—I might see some interesting things. So I did. And I saw the fields and trees all around, the distant mountains, maybe the eerie glow from Satori Mountain, perhaps a few unvisited shrines.... But I suppose the most interesting thing that I saw was just the pack of three stalbokoblins still doggedly throwing rocks in my general direction, their mean little red eyes aglow.

I was stalling, I knew that. David knew that.

I had a scary tower to get to.

When I’d taken in my fill of the surrounding views, I warped to the shrine of Kaam Ya’Tak. From there I approached a little hill that was near the Sheikah Tower, and before I ascended it—I caught sight of a loose six-legged Guardian free about the roads around its right side.

And with many vocalizations that I really can’t remember, I dashed behind the cover of the stone and up to the crest of the hill in a right frenzy.

I—don’t—like—Guardians.

At the top of the hill was a little statue, to which I offered an apple, and thus brought a Korok out of hiding. Its cute little twee-hee giggle was small comfort before the task I was about to perform.

I peered down at the Sheikah Tower through my scope. It seemed to be surrounded by a smattering of old ruins and scattered detritus—and then I caught the faintest glow of blue....

“UHHHH—”

“What!” David asked.

“It’s alive! That Guardian down there is alive!”

For there was a rusted old one crumbled into the earth near the tower—but its eye was still lit up, still functional.

Still deadly.

I looked further and saw with a most unpleasant thrill of horror that another rusted-but-functional Guardian lay roughly a hundred and twenty degrees round the tower from the first!

And somehow....

Somehow I didn’t need to see it to know that a third one must lurk where I couldn’t see it behind the tower.

David grinned horrible knowing grins at me. He’d already done this tower.

“How long did you say this took you?”

“Not long at all,” he said, “I just—” He moved his pointed index finger through the air and gave a little swoosh sound through his teeth. “—did it all at once.”

I entered into a frenetic bout of pacing side to side and round in circles, groaning for what lay ahead—

“Do it for Mei,” David urged in half seriousness.

o____o

....Well that steeled me right up.

At length I started down the hillside—

“Where are you going?” David asked with some urgency.

I stopped.

“You should paraglide in!”

“Seriously?”

“They won’t be able to hit you.”

Somehow I doubted that, but....

I climbed back to the highest point overlooking the tower that I could.... and jumped for it.

And after an all too short sail through the air.... the piano began to pound in rapid triplets.

The first Guardian’s targeting laser settled onto a spot over my heart and stuck there like a tight, red needle. I wanted to turn back—

“Just keep going straight!” David said.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes!”

And so I kept going straight for the tower.

I could hear the Guardian’s targeting systems beeping now. The laser began to flicker—

“It won’t hit you,” David assured me.

And in the split second the laser disappeared, the Guardian locked on to the position I occupied in space . . . . and fired.

The hot blue pulse whizzed behind my back by a good five feet—it seemed the Guardians—the mighty, terrifying, indiscriminately destructive Guardians—had not even the humble octorok’s foresight to lead their targets.

It still didn’t stop them from trying, though; and I couldn’t maintain my sufficiently fast flight-speed forever. The targeting laser came back, and I reached the tower, and crumpled onto a platform, ducking low—

And the Guardian lost me.

Oh Farore it lost me.

NOW WHAT? 8C

David directed me to ascend the tower, and to just jump in my climbing right before the Guardian fired. For the same effect I had just achieved while flying.

Oh gads I downed a speed elixir and just screwed up my courage and up I went....!

Mipha was getting overworked.

“That didn’t work, David,” I said.

“Oh....”

I crouched again on the platform.

“No wait, I think what I did was jump to get onto the next platform before the Guardians could shoot me.”

I looked at him.

My speed elixir was still coursing through my veins, becoming thinner by the second....

I reloaded a save from back on the hill with the Korok, and sailed to the tower again.

Now as I crouched on the first platform, the same speed elixir fresh down my throat, I stood up and leapt up the tower wall—the mad triplitive piano started up—and I scrambled, scrambled—jumped once straight up—scrambled a bit further—the lasers beginning to flicker—came level with the next platform—JUMPED SIDEWAYS FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY MEMORY—came above the platform—GOT DOWN FAST AND DUCKED—

And oh my gosh I made it.

The lasers disappeared and the piano left off.

Well this was.... TERRIFYINGLY DOABLE.

Many platforms and a great deal of palm-sweat later, I reached the top of the Sheikah Tower. I ran to the center and activated the pedestal—I did NOT want to go through any of that again....

And the rune distilled down into my Sheikah Slate, AND . . . .

THAT SPLIT OF THE RIVER WHAT LOOKED LIKE JUST ANOTHER PART OF THE CASTLE MOAT—IT REALLY DID TRAIL AWAY SOUTH PAST THE WETLAND STABLE, DOWN TOWARD THE DUELING PEAKS AND RIGHT UNDER PROXIM BRIDGE.

THERE WAS MY MISSING WATERWAY.

“So warp to that shrine and follow it!” said David.

But no, I had expended a great deal climbing this tower; I wanted to have a proper look around first.

I gazed foolishly at shrines peeping out of the earth, away on dangerous ground, surrounded by who KNEW what....

There was one in the general direction of the castle.

“Did you get that one?” I asked him.

“No,” he said, “But I went for it. I paraglided down into a forest, and then a Guardian showed up—it got really close to me—”

“All up in your grill?”

“Yeah, so I just warped away.”

Hm, after my reload back on the Korok’s hill.... I hadn’t seen that loose, six-legged Guardian about.... Where had it got to?

The shrine glowed like a tantalizing torch. I thought.... What would be the harm in just seeing? I could do what David did, and if any Guardians caught on to my movements, I could just warp away too....

I leapt for it, north toward the castle. And as I lost altitude the rusted Guardians on the ground set their lasers into my back.... Uhuhuhuhh it was a terrifying float to the ground—with my angle increasingly parallel to their targeting lasers—did I dare try to weave?

But I touched down on the grass without incident, and the piano heralded no more stray Guardians out for my blood.

There were however three great Stalmoblins that popped up right in front of me—heck with those things, I was mad-dashing it!

I ran for the stand of trees just ahead, sprinting as I could until I was safe beneath their boughs.

Ha—and what exactly was the definition of safe in these parts anyway?

Near one of the last trees—the northernmost—I could hear the telltale clinking wooden sound of a Korok. And that last big tree had a large hole in its side, with something that looked like an enormous acorn in it.

Somehow I’d always figured these were Korok puzzles, but I’d never taken the time to figure this particular kind out—but I was never coming back here again; if I wanted it I’d have to do something now.... Acting on instinct, I drew my bow and shot the acorn.

Just as it exploded in a happy little shower of confetti with a bang and a tiny fanfare, I noticed the loose Guardian up the hill to my left.

“Yahaha!” chirped the Korok, “You found me!”

I backed up hastily behind another tree. “Shut up Korok you’re gonna give us away!” I hissed.

But the Korok only tossed me a seed and giggled, “Buh-bye!”

I peeked round my tree.

The Guardian was gone.

This had been a silly outing, just a game, an experiment, a test—I’d meant to beeline toward that shrine, but....

Well I’d made it to the trees, and no Guardians were after me. Maybe I could make it a bit farther. But I’d need to stay low....

I bent away toward the right, sinking with the land, trying to hide with the folding of the hills as I dashed on ahead.

There was a bare, dead kind of riverbed crossing the way ahead of me, and beyond it a blasted stone ridge of some kind—perhaps earth thrown up and baked into crater-rings in the tumult of a hundred years ago.

Rusted Guardians littered the riverbed.

“Oh my gosh what if they’re aliiiive?” I groaned to David.

“Use your camera.”

“What?”

“Zoom in; it’ll show you if they’re an enemy.”

“UHH—” Taking my precious attention off my surroundings to peer into the constricted pictobox, I zoomed in to look at the Guardians—

“They’re dead,” said David.

I took his word for it, and kept running.

“Oh my gosh, you’re insane,” said David.

“Did you get this far?”

“No!” he gave a high-strung laugh.

There was a low, level spot between two sections of the ridge—the way to get to the shrine. But there were Guardian Flyers patrolling that corridor. I veered instead toward the section on the right, and scrambled up the stone.

“Oh my gosh you’re crazy!” said David.

As if I didn’t already feel it.... .__.;

One lonely red fox sniffed around the bare top of the ridge. I sank into a crouch as I moved toward it, wanting to get away from the ridge’s slope. I was on such a prominent jut of the land, but perhaps if I stayed low, I could still hide from anything close by down on the field....

The fox let out a little bark of surprise at my approach, and then darted away with a squeal. I hoped it wouldn’t attract any attention....

The shrine, I could see, lay on the other side of the left section of the ridge. And it was further hedged about by mounded earth on all its other sides. Two Guardian Flyers circled it in a clockwise pattern; they came north-to-south through the little corridor gap. One of them was coming right now.

“Oh my gosh it’s right there....” I croaked to David, my stomach tight.

The droning of it as it passed so near to where I was.... I could see the mountings of its propellers.... If I’d wanted to.... I could have run out and jumped on top of it....

“Those kind have fifteen hundred health, just so you know,” said David.

“Oh GREAT.” Thanks, David.

The Guardian Flyer passed so close, so close.... and then, miraculously, beautifully, perfectly, turned away to hover down the bare riverbed, toward the west, after the other flyer, which was already down that way—

The window was opening. This was the biggest chance. They were both looking the other way and it was the start of a whole cycle before they would come this way again—

I ran for it. I stood up, I bolted, I leapt off the ridge, and paraglided across the gap and toward the other section.

“ANDREA!” David yelped.

A laser settled onto my back.

The triplitive piano woke up—it sounded different than before....

My heart felt as if it pulsed to twice its normal size at every beat, harder and faster.

Another laser settled onto my back.

The flyers hadn’t seen me, the flyers hadn’t seen me....

“Oh my heart.... oh my heart’s goin’ that fast....” I strained.

A section of brickwork wall, a parapet, branched northward off the west section of ridge—was there a gate beneath it? A way through?

I didn’t check, and took the higher way.

Did one laser lose me?

One laser was flashing.

Sprinting, sprinting, sprinting—up to the crest—past the brickwork parapet—I leapt—

Crunch onto moldy sodden grass at the bottom—

“UH! MY HEART!” I cried.

There was the shrine. I bolted again. Forward, forward, up, up—Katah Chuki was its name—dashed to the pedestal—activated it—the door-opening cinematic was the longest I’d ever seen it....

“You’re CRAZY!” said David.

“Oh my gosh....” I clutched my chest. My limbs were shaking.

I ran to the elevator and hit the down button repeatedly, and after I descended and when I stepped out into the chambers of Katah Chuki....

David laughed.

It was a Combat Shrine.