The Princess and the King

Waking of Monday, April 22, 2019 ~ 3

The Princess and the King

I killed it. I killed the Flyer that had been circling the Princess’ adjoining tower. And a Turret that had targeted me from behind when I ventured out onto the bridge.

The memory was right there. I took a couple of pictographs, as I’d been doing at the site of every memory, but.... I didn’t recall it yet.

Instead I went across the way into.... Princess Zelda’s Study.

That’s what this tower was, was it?

There was a Silent Princess growing in here, springing up through the tumbled floorboards. I decided I would leave it alone.

And there was another diary—Princess Zelda’s research notes.

There were mentions of Impa, Purah, and Robbie, the discovery of the Sheikah Slate, and restoring functionality to it, and what it could do.... The Princess seemed particularly impressed that it could record images. Without the trained hand of an artist.

The research notes also mentioned the unearthing of the Guardians.... She said records indicated the Guardians were stored in five giant columns beneath the castle—[those things?]—But she said no matter how she looked, she could not locate these columns, and guessed they must have been buried deep.

Those giant columns.... I had seen a Guardian perched on top of one of them.... How were they even deployed? It must have been nightmarish.... All I could envision were Guardians spilling out the tops of those pillars like so many spiders.... and Castle Town.... wouldn’t have had a prayer.

I’d thought the mighty Pillars had aided somehow in containing Calamity Ganon, but.... maybe they were solely in Ganon’s power after all. They did glow red.... Maybe their massive presence and dark possession was the reason the Malice was so thick here to begin with....

In Zelda’s research notes again were recountings of the Champions mastering their Divine Beasts. Mipha had taken to it the fastest, heh....

And there was a passage regarding.... the Shrine of Resurrection.

I drew in a sharp breath when I read that.

She detailed its function and what it could do, but....

She hoped its power would not be needed.

....

When the time is right in the day, I will recall the memory.

But I fear this place.... It’s the wee hours now, but.... I have seen, every midnight, the air thickens....

Is every night a Blood Moon Night here?

Nice, this bridge. That Zelda should have a lovely walkway between her bedroom and her study. The views must have been glorious once. Now.... there’s just so much Malice....

I wait for the day to turn. I like to be in.... similar conditions. To the pictographs.

I climb the spire above her study—find a Korok!

Had to get on the far side so a Guardian wouldn’t see me from below. A decayed one, down on the circuiting road.

Oh the day is all dusk all day in this Malicious bluster....

The time is right. The ten o’clock hour in the morning and the shadows line up. I go back down onto the bridge.

Memory....

Zelda and I walked on the battlement in the sunlight, I in my same Blue Tunic and she in that beautiful long dress—wait no was it even the same one? But she was beautiful anyway, and—a Guardian! crawled on the grass down below, surrounded by attendant Sheikah tribesmen, seemingly leading it along.

Zelda leaned over the battlements and looked down on it.... fondly. And.... ughuh, it sent a squirm through my gut.

She was pleased that we’d come to a point where we could actually control them. But....

“What are you doing out here, Zelda?”

The voice was a man’s I hadn’t heard before. Deep, and gruff.

We turned.

The clothes were rich and exquisite. Guards flanked the doorway behind him.

It was....

King Rhoam.

I sank to one knee and bowed my head and did not move again.

But Zelda could only face him.

He.... tore into her.

He had told her to forget bothering with these ancient machines while she had an as yet unfulfilled duty to her kingdom!

She knew that—she knew—

She brought up that she and I had only just been to the Spring of Courage, where she had poured out every ounce of her prayers to the Goddess—

“And yet you are back here, wasting your time!” the King held it in her face.

Zelda pressed that she was doing everything she could—there was nothing else she could do!

But the King was a hard man and he wouldn’t have it. “You must be single-minded in your training...” he went on again.

I did not move.

“Do you know what the rumormongers are calling you? They are saying that you are heir to a throne of nothing. Nothing but failure.” Some—such—words—

The sting!

I.... could only draw my breath.

So harsh.

But could I blame him?

And could I blame her?

“But it is woven into your destiny to prove them wrong,” the King continued, and I sighed in gratitude at his grace.

But the King was still a hard man.

“As King, I forbid you to have anything more to do with these ancient machines. Do you understand?”

I had no power here.

And neither did the Princess, in the face of her father the King.

She was trapped.

“Yes,” she could only answer, while the Guradian only swiveled between its handlers down on the lawn....

The sound coming out of the memory was different this time.

I have all the memories now.

I have to go back to Impa.

....

And I need more arrows.

Privy Thoughts

Waking of Monday, April 22, 2019 ~ 2

Privy Thoughts

I looked around.

There was comfortable (albeit ruined) furniture, a bookshelf, a little dressing screen over on the other side—there was a chest behind it, but.... not yet—and.... the remains of what must have been a grandiose bed. But the upper canopy was collapsed down upon it. Wardrobe. More.... more furniture....

Was this.... Zelda’s room?

I read her diary.

The first entry:

After meeting with the Champions, I left

to research the ancient technology, but

nothing of note came of my research.

The return of Ganon looms—a dark force

taunting us from afar. I must learn all I

can about the relics so we can stop him.

If the fortune-teller’s prophecy is to be

believed, there isn’t much time left...

Fortune-teller?

Ah, but turning over these thoughts in

my head puts me ill at ease. I suppose

I should turn in for the night.

P.S. Tomorrow my father is assigning

HIM as my appointed knight...

Oh my gosh, she.... she hated me....

Next:

I set out for Goron City today to

make some adjustments to

Dvine Beast Vah Rudania.

I still recall feeling his eyes on me as I

walked ahead. The feeling stayed with

me so long, I grew anxious and weary.

I remembered that day! Walking along the little lake, what was its name?

It is the same feeling I’ve felt before in

his company... And still, not a word

passes his lips.

So I really am silent.

I never know what he’s thinking! [Oh, I must be infuriating!] It makes

my imagination run wild, guessing at

what he is thinking but will not say.

What does the boy chosen by the sword

that seals the darkness think of me?

Will I ever truly know?

She.... wanted to know what I thought of her?

Then, I suppose it’s simple. A daughter

of Hyrule’s royal family yet unable to

use sealing magic... He must despise me.

OHHHH NOOOOO no no no, Zelda, no!  D8  >__<  T__T Oh gosh I can’t—

Next:

I said something awful to him today...

Eh? What.... could that have been?

My research was going nowhere. I was

feeling depressed, and I had told him

repeatedly not to accompany me.

But he did anyway, as he always does,

and so I yelled at him without restraint.

Could that have been.... at the Ancient Pillars, in Tabantha?

He seemed confused by my anger. I feel

terribly guilty...and that guilt only makes

me more agitated than I was before.

Is she going to muse on all the memories I’ve recovered?

Next:

I am unsure how to put today’s events

into words. Words so often evade me

lately, and now more than ever.

He saved me. Without a thought for his

own life, he protected me from the

ruthless blades of the Yiga Clan.

I remember.

Though I’ve been cold to him all this

time...taking my selfish and childish

anger out on him at every turn...

No, but you were always so weighed down.... with something....

Still, he was there for me. I won’t ever

forget that. Tomorrow, I shall apologize

for all that has transpired between us.

And then...I will try talking to him.

To Link. It’s worth a shot.

She called me by my name!

Next:

Bit by bit, I’ve gotten Link to open up

to me. [Uh! What does she remember that I don’t?] It turns out he’s quite a glutton. [WHAT?]

He can’t resist a delicious meal!

When I finally got around to asking why

he’s so quiet all the time, I could tell it

was difficult for him to say. But he did.

What.... did I say?

What did I say?

With so much at stake, and so many eyes

upon him [hahh, truly], he feels it necessary to stay

strong and to silently bear any burden.

I can accept that.

A feeling I know all too well... For him,

it has caused him to stop outwardly

expressing his thoughts and feelings.

I wonder what I had been like before, then.

I always believed him to be simply a

gifted person who had never faced a

day of hardship. How wrong I was...

You’ll feed my ego with talk like that, Princess.

Everyone has struggles that go unseen

by the world... I was so absorbed with

my own problems, I failed to see his.

Well.... to be honest I didn’t think much of yours with all I’ve had on my plate lately. I only knew something had been weighing on you.... and I only wondered why....

I wish to talk with him more and to see

what lies beneath those calm waters [heh, calm?],

to hear him speak freely and openly...

And perhaps I, too, will be able to bare

my soul to him and share the demons

that have plagued me all these years.

I wished you had....

Next:

Father scolded me again today. He told

me I am to have nothing more to do with

researching ancient technology.

The basis of the plan? But I can’t judge a king....

He insisted that I focus instead on

training that will help me awaken

my sealing magic.

That’s hard.

I was so frustrated and ashamed I could

not even speak. I’ve been training since

I was a child, and yet...

Mother passed the year before my

training was to begin. In losing her,

I lost not just a mother, but a teacher.

Oh Zelda....

Mother used to smile and tell me,

“Zelda, my love, all will be well in

the end. You can do anything.”

But she was wrong. [No.] No matter how I try

or how much time passes...the sealing

power that is my birthright evades me.

What does it even mean to be born Hylian Royalty?

Tomorrow I journey with Link to the

Spring of Power to train. But this, too,

will end in failure. Such is my curse.

No, Zelda, you’re not cursed!

I wish I could reach back and tell her so....

Next:

I had a dream last night... In a place

consumed by darkness, a lone woman

gazed at me, haloed by blinding light.

Oh.... I do like hearing about dreams. Did you know that about me?

Go on.

I sensed she was...not of this world.

I don’t know if she was a fairy or a

goddess, but she was beautiful.

Tell me.

Her lips spoke urgently, but her voice

did not reach me. Would I have heard

her if my power was awoken?

Or was my dream simply a manifestation

of my fears? I am sure I will know the

answer soon, whether I wish to or not...

Don’t let it worry you. Only take what you can from it. But you should never let a dream worry you.

Next:

I turned 17 today. [I remember this too!] That means this is the

day I will finally be allowed to train at the

Spring of Wisdom.

I’m suddenly just so grateful and admiring that the Princess kept a journal.

When Link arrives, we will set out for

Mount Lanayru. The other Champions

will accompany us there.

Oh no.

Is it the memory I’m thinking of?

I have not seen my father since he last

scolded me. [Oh no.] Things are too strained

now... I will meet with him when I return.

Oh no, oh no.... no....

...

Actually...I’ve had a horrible feeling ever

since that weird dream. No one would

believe a failure of a princess, but...

What is it? What did you do?

Right now, for no particular reason, I am

filled with a strange and terrible certainty

that something awful is about to happen.

....That was the end.

She never said what she might have done about that feeling.

Did she see her father again?

I tried to remember King Rhoam, so far away and long ago on the Great Plateau.

Did they part well?

I don’t know.

And now I’m here in.... what may very well have been Zelda’s bedroom.

The sun was sinking in a fiery radiance, beautiful despite the Malice dripping through the air, it set the room with a golden light.

I’ve got to kill that Guardian up top.... the Flyer.

There is a memory up there....

Seven Prayers

Waking of Saturday, January 26, 2019

Seven Prayers

My last practice with Shelene and Jane went well.

We women are better singers.

jghjrlghrjlgjhrlea!!ASDFFGGHJKL;

It was time to pray.

After I awoke at Pepp’s, I warped to the Forgotten Temple, deep in the folded land at the head of Tanagar Canyon.

I first prayed before the Giant Goddess Statue, towering tall and smiling with her serene hands resting clasped over her belly. The powerful, imposing figure seemed to want and deserve being first.

And the Goddess granted me a Stamina Vessel.

From there I warped to.... but I felt no connection to Hateno Village.

I warped to Kakariko Village, placidly nestled in the mountains north of the Dueling Peaks, in the shadow of the Pillars of Levia.

I then prayed before the Little Koi Pond Goddess Statue, which was one of the smaller, more simplistic renditions, molded with the suggestion of praying hands. This one wore a little pinafore smock like an apron.

And the Goddess granted me another Stamina Vessel.

And, “Your being overflows with vigor. There is no need to further enhance your stamina,” the Goddess imparted to me. Or some such words.

That was three full wheels of stamina now.

That was what David had....

Following my old footsteps, from there I warped to Zora’s Domain, secluded in the fountains of the rugged blue mountains beyond the wetlands.

I then prayed before the Little Balcony Goddess Statue, which was unadorned, but held a prominent position before King Dorephan’s chamber.

Of course, as David had done, I asked for another Stamina Vessel just to see what would happen.... but the Goddess only reminded me once again that my being already overflowed with vigor, and there was no need.

So I asked aright, and She granted me a Heart Container instead.

From there I took a brief moment to put on my protective suit before warping to Goron City, high on the scorching western flanks of the mighty Death Mountain, crusted between claws of rock and lava flows, its air all flecked with embers.

I then prayed before the Little Crowned Goddess Statue, which was ensconced in a rough-cut shrine of rugged stone near Big Boss Bludo’s house. This one wore a bright yellow, three-pointed crown on its head! The make of it seemed to glow....

And the Goddess granted me another Heart Container.

From there I warped to Gerudo Town, the bustling oasis, jewel in the sands, and had to stop to put on some different clothing before entering town. I bought some arrows before finding my way back to the Forgotten Court and visiting with Muava.

I then prayed before the Little Court Goddess Statue, left alone in its quietude with only garbage and lost things for company, but no less faithful in its prayerful rendition, no less a conduit for worship.

And the Goddess granted me a Heart Container.

From there I warped to Rito Village, stacked in beautiful wooded seclusion in Tabantha’s piney wilderness, over breezy trails loved by the sun.

I then prayed before the Little Flowered Goddess Statue, set in its alcove in the Neck, adorned with comely cloths and wearing a circlet of flowers on its head and with flowers before its feet. Ahhh, this one is my favorite. :)

And the Goddess granted me a Heart Container.

And that was.... two statues of magnitude or personal importance.... plus the statues in the lands of the four peoples I had visited.... which made six....

Just one more.

And from there.... finally.... I warped to the Shrine of Resurrection, far away and back and long ago on the Great Plateau, back where it all began, hidden away in the cave so secluded, full of steps and barriers I had halted to climb when I was naked and weak as a kitten.

I rushed out into the sunlight quick as anything now in my rattling gear and thick clothing, and made my way to the Temple of Time, past the paltry Red Bokoblins around whom I used to be so cautious and calculated. One cut was all it took to bring them down now.

Past the crumbling walls and in the hallowed space inside, where the moss and the grass grew as soft as a prayer, and the air moved in glimmering haunts fit for fairies, I then prayed before the Temple Goddess Statue, standing in the midst of its attendant statuettes and smiling that same serene smile under a shaft of heavenly light.

And the Goddess granted me a Heart Container.

Seven Prayers. That would do.

I was stronger now.

Then....

Hateno Village.

I had unfinished business.

Sometimes

Waking of Tuesday, May 29, 2018

Sometimes

D-amphetamine.

Venlafaxine.

Prazosin.

Mirtazapine.

Ketamine.

Theta burst.

Uhrmm the Iodine feels pretty good, actually. Better.

Better than I’ve been . . . in years.

Thanks, Alex.

Had it really been three months?

Three months?

That was so long....

And how long had it been since December? Nearly half a year?

What was wrong with me?

My name is Andrea and I suffer from depression.

Sometimes I used to joke to myself and to others: “I can’t kill myself—I haven’t played the next Zelda game!”

‘Cause, you know . . . . it feels like there’s always gonna be another one . . . . somewhere down the road.

What happened in December? Oh, I was just writing a letter. To the Big Guy. Aonuma. Regarding this log. Wanting to share. Just wanting to share my mad little fan-love catastrophe I seem to have created here.

I haven’t sent it yet—the lower corner of the back page just looked so empty, like it wanted to hold some fanart. So I set to drawing some.

I haven’t finished that either.

Maybe I just wanted it to be too perfect. And I set out to do it, and then I get daunted and discouraged; I used to draw ALL—THE FRIGGIN’—TIME, what the heck was the matter with me?

Sometimes you have bad breakdowns.

Dark times.

But sometimes you find a respite, or solace from a kindly hand.

Encouragement.

And this Tuesday . . . . well it was blessedly quiet and calm. Much needed after two hours’ sleep the night before and only a brief nap in between.

Not three months. I couldn’t go past three months. I turned on the game.

I was still in the Deku Tree’s Navel.

And there was that doppelganger song again. Like an older, slightly more mature brother to the SS Faron Woods music.

Ah but even now as I try to recall it.... all I can hear is the colorful Kikwi forest....

But it was . . . . nice.

I wished I could play the discovery of the Master Sword again, but.... my last manual save was all the way back in the Spring of Courage, and the next autosave after that was already in the Keo Ruug Shrine.

Mmmm too far removed and out of reach....

Hhhh, and I dared not trigger another autosave by moving from the place that I was in—that tight little hollow. I just.... stepped around. Stood.

But the music was still so nice.

Soothing.

It was the nighttime version of the song.

In the end I only paused the game, turned the volume up a bit, and moved to where my computer and tablet were in the other room. How long had Photoshop been open with that file?

I cleaned up Link’s hair quite a bit, and added some more definition to his face—poor guy’s got eyes finally....

I wonder how many bandoliers and accessories I want to bother with. Even the Slate....?

But.... the evening and the conditions were good: I could still draw. I could still draw if I tried and if it was quiet. Maybe things like the Slate won’t be as difficult as I fear they might.

I didn’t realize how much just hearing the music would . . . .

I don’t know, it just made me feel . . . . It made the world feel . . . . softer.

It made it feel okay.

I had just been hurting so much and been so impatient for weeks.

Impatient for everything to just be over with.

I wanted to die.

Sometimes I still do.

Sometimes, I used to joke to myself.

Sometimes, it’s not a joke.

Sometimes you’ve just got to hold on to something.

Close to Home

Waking of Monday, July 3, 2017 ~ 3

Close to Home

After a lengthy pause to spend some sweet-lovin’ time with my family <3 I came back to the center of the Rist Peninsula, and decided to make my exit by alternating jogging and swimming straight toward the mainland. Chariots-of-Fire Beach was right there and that seemed to be the quickest way to it.

I ran a few paces north along the road to Robbie’s before remembering and veering off to the left, plunging into the huge sweeping bowl of grass to cut my way inland in a direct course toward the Quarry.

There was a memory there.... there had to be....

The shape of that strange little water body up in that higher alcove....

I came upon some Guardian remains to salvage, as well as another Korok inviting me to race off away from my intended destination. I almost just passed it by to come back later, but—augh, I ran up a little hill, grabbed it, took its seed and continued in my course.

A Flying Guardian loomed in the distance, almost directly in line with where I needed to go. There was another great crack in the earth between me and there.... very similar to that one by Jeddo Bridge, all with rocky teeth on either side....

I veered more north to give the Guardian some space, and found myself climbing a great grassy hill. Akkala is so hilly....

I guess everywhere’s so hilly, but.... augh. Akkala just feels so lush and leafy, but still with beautiful open space. It’s like a perfect lawn, but.... oh the word lawn just feels so insulting to describe it! It’s the kind of grass you just wanna lie down on and nap.

Akkala does hills right. X-)

Up on top of the hill was a sloping depression. Rather, the hill was shaped something like a donut. And from its center came the roaring rush of spilling water....

This was the Spring of Power.

!!

I floated down onto the bordering first level, an array of inward-spilling waterfalls—and saw there was a Goddess statue in here!

And down into the lower level.... simple, angular walks of stone.... a clear, enveloping pool....

And there in the center that pearl-soft glow, afloat with slow refractions and fairylike flares, that indicated there was a memory here.

I shed all my equipment and took a few snapshots. Beautiful snapshots. <3 The light was just perfect and the shimmering memory glow may just as well have been a part of the spray cast up by all the waterfalls.

What a most enchanting place to stand. ☼

But perhaps Zelda didn’t think so.

It was night, and a clear moon reflected off the water’s gently rippling surface.

Princess Zelda stood in the pool, the water up to her waist, praying before the statue of the Goddess.

Link stood some distance away at the last convergence of the little stone walks, in the proper entrance to the spring—a stone passage opposite the statue, leading straight off under the hill. His back was turned and his stance was broad as he kept watch at the tunnel, hands resting on his sword hilt, the tip of the weapon planted squarely between his feet.

He barely moved the entire time.

She was so frustrated—her praying words seemed pained and hollow. Was she really even praying anymore, addressing the Goddess? Or was she only lamenting to herself?

Or to the only other pair of listening ears?

She could not hear the Voices heard by her mother, and her grandmother. The promises of her lineage.... where were they? Hadn’t she always been true and faithful to the spirits that served the ancient gods? “Curse you,” she croaked as she let her hands splash into the water.

Her father only told her to stop playing at being a scholar. But things were supposed to awaken inside of her, she knew they had to.... Why couldn’t she hear them?

When would she hear what she was supposed to hear?

“What is wrong with me?” she cried.

My gosh that hit so close to home.

How often have I felt.... things similar to that?

When you are so assured by the ones you love of the precious gifts and joys to come—calmings when you need it; answers when the path is shrouded; surety on shaky ground.

And yet.... hollow.

You feel hollow.

And you wrestle within yourself Where is my peace?

The tales and experiences of so many close ones and trustworthy ones couldn’t have all been fabricated just to tell a Big Fat Lie to you.

And deep down.... you do have faith in the Goodness of the Universe, that life is not a sadist, and that things will work out in the end.

Because that is the nature of the world.

And you know that it is unfailing.

You know it.

It’s a Truth so sure you know it must be there, even surrounding you already, enfolding you on every side.

And yet.... if you can’t feel that grace in your own heart.... that grace so sure and certain....

Then the problem must lie in you.

All those promises you’ve known in the wells of your mind since before you can remember—of course they become fulfilled.

You’re just too deaf and blind to see it.

You just.... don’t work.

Maybe you were broken from the beginning, or maybe you’re just trying too hard. Or maybe it’s just your lot to walk in the dark longer than the people around you.

Nobody knows.

What is the line between seeing the light at the end.... and imagining it.... and wondering if your eyes were only playing tricks on you?

Something better has to be waiting on the far side....

But it’s hard to lean on that thought when you feel nothing but the shadows.